My husband does not generally require a lot of obedience from me, but when he does choose to exert his authority, I find myself responding to his firmness quite naturally most of the time. When I do things that I know he wants me to do, or refrain from doing things that he doesn't, I feel I am obeying him voluntarily rather than being controlled. I quite frequently get irritable or snappy or bad-tempered, but when I do I find that my husband, these days, instead of letting my bad temper arouse his, simply responds with a comment like “You're getting a bit uppity, aren't you?” or “Having one of your little moments, are you?” in a calm and slightly amused way, that I find makes me feel submissive again rather quickly. I find the ease with which he can subdue me like this slightly humiliating, but in a pleasurable kind of way. And I find it tremendously sexy. These times feel more as if I am responding involuntarily to being controlled, rather than deliberately obeying. Both states can be pleasurable, but the feeling of involuntary submission is definitely more exciting.

I feel pretty much the same way, Louise. I am happy to obey and please my husband almost all of the time. Our relationship is intimate and loving, our home runs smoothly, and it just works for us! But, when he does have to "slightly scold" me for something (in somewhat the same way as your husband does, with loving, but meaningful, comments), I also find myself immediately feeling the true pleasure of submission! My husband would never force me to be a certain way, and he does understand when I am worked up or overly emotional about something. But, when I either snap at him for no reason (usually my own hormonal reason!), or have a negative attitude towards him, he lovingly, but quickly, is able to remind me just how unacceptable that kind of rude behavior is! He doesn't have to remind me too often because I truly enjoy making him happy. I usually realize it as soon as I've crossed the line. And even though it doesn't always involve anything physical (it's usually just a little comment or a raised eyebrow), sometimes a quick spanking helps, too! We both enjoy it, and afterwards, we are back to the loving peace that a Taken in Hand relationship provides.

The way you describe it is the way it works for me too, though I suspect I probably cross the line rather more often than you do, being a bad-tempered bitch as I am (sometimes it's hormonal, sometimes it's just me). A raised eyebrow can sometimes be enough for me too. Although I always hated quarreling with my husband, I used to get a kind of adrenalin rush from getting really angry, and find myself still startled at how easily he can subdue the anger. There was a recent incident where I'd got worked up over something, and I stalked out into the garden, slamming the kitchen door as I went (an act of deliberate provocation). Instead of rising to the bait as he would have done in the past, he just followed me out to where I was pushing our youngest son on the swing, and told me very quietly what the penalty was going to be for my 'little moment'. The anger melted away magically, and I found myself smiling instead of scowling, his refusal to take my temperamental outbursts seriously means that I can't take them seriously either, and they just disappear. The spanking helps too, because I have such a strong desire for it, but it isn't what melts the anger and restores the submissive feeling. I definitely prefer peace to war.

But there's no point in being submissive unless it pleases you as well as your man. If you didn't enjoy being submissive then it would only lead to unhappiness if you tried. Having a submissive relationship is supposed to make both partners happy, it's no good if it doesn't. A man worth having wouldn't want a woman to be submissive unless it was what she wanted too.

I have to agree with what you are saying, Louise, about an outburst being soothed by the calm contradiction of a dom/me partner. Like you, I cause dramatic outbursts as a tool to cause pain. When they are not taken seriously, do not hurt, (and are recognized as manipulative diversionary means to a self-destructive end) I fall in love again. Suddenly I feel more awake, see with clarity, and find myself being adoringly, gratefully submissive. Not all of the trouble I cause is in the form of outbursts. It seems to come in two week cycles, during which time I begin to believe in something horrible but try unsuccessfully to stifle it (usually along the lines of maybe I am not actually gay, or that I hate my partner's looks). I wish that all of the trouble I stir up was treated with distrust, at least at first. It always turns out to be offensive melodrama created for my self-destructive bent. Although I understand and agree that many times concerns are real, far too often with me I live in worst case scenarios and drag my partner into a world of victimhood by believing exaggerations, and creating stress. Every topic, no matter how sacred, has been used by me as a tool to upset the apple cart. It is usually unknowingly--I believe what I am saying, but at the same time, I wonder if what I am saying is as bad as it sounds. I am begging to be put in my place. I crave an unemotional, calm slap. However, my partner is unable to distance herself from my crying eyes. These repetitive cycles of stress causes unforgivable strain on my partner, myself, and our relationship. It's a miracle and a testament to her strength that we have survived everything. Although I have asked my highly intelligent and deeply insightful partner to trust that what I am saying is only defeatist bullsh*t, it still has a massive impact because it messes with her strong requirement for stability and loyalty. She says she can't do it. Any advice?

Although I sympathize with you very much, I don't think I really have any helpful advice to offer, because my own temperamental outbursts are very much more superficial than yours, I don't have on the whole the deep feelings that you do. Usually, when I have an outburst of temper it's because of something fairly mundane, like my husband's told me off or been laying down the law about something and it's irritated me, or I've just got annoyed about something that isn't really to do with him at all, or sometimes it's just PMT ("don't get hormonal with me"is his usual response in that situation). If I had the sort of feelings you do, like doubting my sexuality or feeling repelled by my husband's looks, then I don't know if he would find it as easy to calm me down with a word or a look, these more serious issues are perhaps more difficult to deal with in that way. Even in the days when we used to have serious and sometimes devastating rows, the causes were usually quite trivial, and not about serious emotional issues. We sometimes said very hurtful thins to each other, I said things to him I wish I hadn't, he said things to me I wish I could forget, but the causes of the rows were not very deep, and it has in fact proved quite easy in our case to do away with the causes of the rows, and stop them happening. It's been eight months since our last one, so I think we must be getting something right. I am sorry not to be able to be more helpful, but the sort of emotional problem you have is outside my own experience and I have no idea if my husband would be able to cope with me having those kind of feelings, or how. We are both fairly uncomplicated people emotionally, simple things make us happy, and now that we communicate better than we did emotional issues can be resolved quite easily. You obviously have a very loving partner, and I hope the two of you do manage to sort out your problems, but the sort of complex emotions you have are not I think the sort that my husband would be able to deal with easily, and I don't have any advice I can give you about dealing with these more serious issues.